PRE WEDDING
The majority of one’s life savings are spent on this one day, come Monday they will be down the Post Office claiming benefits.
Wedding cards read like a CV, containing every qualification the couple have acquired for example:
Mr & Mrs Ali would like to invite you to the marriage ceremony of their beloved eldest son: Dr Imtiaz Hassan Miah (Tipu). (MBBS, Bsc, LBB, BLL SHT,
A* in GCSE English, Maths Science) to the second daughter of Mr & Mrs
Uddin: Mistress Halima Begum (Lubly) (Honours GD HS WFE, C in GCSE Health and Social Care).
(NOTE: Any use of real names is coincidental and purely unintentional….!!)
THE COUPLE
Arranged marriage between two people who are related!
Throughout the whole precession the bride and groom do not look at each other or touch each other, unless they are guided to do so by a sister in law.
The compatibility of the bride and groom is discussed.
The bride is pretty, solely based on her skin colour
Skin colour supercedes all other beauty features!!
Fair and lovely have reps at every wedding! (Fair and lovely is a cosmetics company!)
ATTIRE
BRIDE: maroon sari, a gold shop, a HUGE hoop style nose ring
GROOM: cream sharwani, shades, mulla hat topped by a large hat, handkerchief in hand to retain a bit of modesty.
WOMEN: multicoloured sequined sari, all the gold in the house and frizzy hair due to the absence of the GHD straightener
MEN: Burgundy/ Green/ Mustard suits (u know u love them)
GIRLS: pink puffy dress, pig tails, platform shoes
BOYS: curtain style hair watered down, typical black shirt, black trousers, white tie and white trainers (a trend which believe it or not still occurs today, its not cool!!)
SMALL CHILDREN: run around causing havoc, well on their way to a successful career in trading herbs and spices (drugs) all because the parents are too engrossed in themselves to care!
VENUE: School hall / community centre / own house!
DECORATIONS:
Birthday balloons
Fairy lights outside the house, plastic flowers galore, tinsel and coloured foil cut into stars and flowers. Silly string and party poppers.
FOOD:
Starters: 1 piece of tandoori chicken piece
Main course: 3 dishes comprising of lamb, chicken and vegetable.
Desert: huh? well ok rasmalai if theres any left after the waiters have their share!
Gua (betel nuts) for the murobhis (elders)
2 litre bottles of coke per table. Purchased in bulk from the local cash and carry. Tap water served in jugs.
Plastic cups, plastic cutlery, paper plates, Maroon napkins
Food not served by catering staff or waiters but sweaty uncles and male cousins.
GUESTS:
EVERYONE and ANYONE the parents of the bride and groom have ever met including every member of their village
The couples school teachers
Random people who are all seated in one corner of the hall collectively, regardless of whether they know each other
Food is served in at least two possibly three sittings due to sheer stupidity and someone’s inability to count, despite the A* in GCSE Maths
Gate crashers but regardless of them being gate crashers they are related to at least four people in the hall. (the difficult life of a Bangladeshi gatecrasher!)
There is always a new bride at the wedding dressed in her full wedding gear, gold included trying to upstage the bride.
GIFTS:
Toaster, clocks, microwave, kettle, iron (purchased from Argos or
Woolworths)
The odd Dinner set or 10!
ENTERTAINMENT: None
CARS:
White limos decorated in red ribbon and plastic flowers and a coach if the bride lives far.
The man in the Merc was the don! Back in the days, when Bengalies were actually poor, no one drove a Merc
DEFINING FEATURES:
Bride never raises her head and is lacking in all positive forms of emotions
Lunch will be served at 1.30..LIES LIES LIES!
Groom arrives 3 hours late
At the gate, the grooms party storms past, injuring several children, the scenes are reminiscent of battle scenes in Lord of The Rings.
Gate sign ‘No money no entry’ demanding ridiculous amounts of money (20000) but getting 50 quid (if you’re lucky)
Even if it is the greatest wedding someone will complain (Bengalis are not happy, if they are not complaining)
Most of the guests leave after the food has been served, obviously that’s the main reason people go to weddings, duh!
Time for Salami (say hello) where the bride and groom are forced to salam (say hello) the murobies (elders) by touching their feet as they receive money or second hand gold. If a guest does not give salami or the couple refuse to fow thori (feet touching) salaam all hell breaks loose.
The Bride and Groom are force fed milk and mishti (sweets) and the bride shyly turns her head as her bhabi moves her arms in order for her to feed her husband and put a mala on him.
At the end of the wedding Bride cries hysterically and then faints and is picked up and carried to the limo by her uncle.
The ratio of attractive females to males is 10:1 (that’s more attractive females than males).
Teenage boys and girls make frequent trips to the toilet claiming that they are going to freshen up when in fact they are going to check out the talent ie fit guys and girls.
There is always someone who wears something controversial either a man who deviates from the burgundy, green or mustard suit or a woman with a sleeveless blouse!!!
Once the Bride and Groom have left and the guests are leaving too young boys sneak bottles of coke under their coats and leave.
WEDDING FILM:
Recorded on video NOT DVD
It usually starts with Quran then straightaway songs!
There is always one guest, usually male who thinks it is funny to move the spoon away everytime he goes to feed the bride/groom.
In the Mendhi section of the film there is the typical sequence where the bride opens her hand to reveal her beautiful henna patterned palms but to our surprise pops out a red gulap fuul (red rose) or even better, a picture of the groom smiling shamelessly.
Contains randomly scattered shots of the Taj Mahal, Niagara falls, the Himalayas and plenty of flowers.
Has the best songs, none of this “lets disco, yeah baby yeah baby crap of today”
The bride and groom as well as the guests are repeatedly shown in a kaleidoscope effect
There is at least 30mins of footage containing the car journey to the hall usually scenes of a motorway journey
The other side’s cameraman is always spotted in the film.
Elderly Bangladeshi women tend to hide their faces with the scarves because of shorum (embarrassment) and everone else pretends to sip water as the cameraman pans their table whilst they are eating.
Pretty girls who are of no relation to the couple constantly appear on camera because the cameraman fancies them
The Wedding film ends with a cheesy message with spelling mistakes and grammatical errors closely resembling the following ‘We Wish you happy life’ ‘This is the beginning or yuor life’
A good wedding film including the Mendhi, Wedding and Walima can last upto 4 possibly 5 hours!
POST WEDDING:
Following the wedding night the bride is interrogated, no questions are sacred, EVERYTHING is asked! She displays all her belongings to the groomside!
The bride is expected to cut a fish which weighs more than she does, with a daa (cutting instrument) without any previous manual handling training.
